And, as the snow and freezing rain/mist drifted down outside; inside my house, my last nerve was stretched very tightly...so...my youngest little cherub began jumping up and down on it to see if he could get it to go “ping!” And my oldest began picking on his two younger siblings to see just how far that last nerve would stretch. And my daughter, ever the middle child and slightly bossy sister--rolled her eyes and yelled loudly at her brothers for their transgressions (as if I was unaware that such things were going on). And my last nerve snapped, as did my voice. My little and not-so-little people understood that their mother was over-tired and weary of being cooped up indoors; and that they were testing her last nerve...but still, there is no kind way to snap at one’s children.
And, as the world closed in on me as the snow days overwhelmed me, I was finding it easier to retreat into my own world. My mind was so jittery that outside noise--such as the existence of other people around me, the need for housework and meals, etc.--was hard to take. I was able to do what was needed; but when I finished, I would curl up in my chair in the living room and hide under a blanket with my eyes closed. A world of sound...with visual...was so...very...much...to...deal...with.
But this was not right. I have a family. Would Jesus not give me strength to engage with them? To participate in life? The feeling of being overwhelmed was not where I was wrong--feelings are just feelings, not right or wrong; they just are. But how I was dealing with it was wrong. I needed to at least try. I could not just back out of life when it got to be too much, even if it was hard.
Will I ever get it right? Will I ever be free of the “sin that so easily besets?” There are so many times, in so many ways, where I have “failed and come short (of the glory of God).” This beautiful, terrifying Goodness of God shows my failures and weaknesses far more glaringly than the brightest, most unflattering florescent light shows my flaws in any department store fitting room.
But, though I am not yet what I should be...praise God, I am not what I was. And, as Katy says, in Stepping Heavenward, by Elizabeth Prentiss, we can “fly to Jesus,” and there, on our knees, find forgiveness for our sins and rest for our souls. And His blood will wash our hearts clean.
So, on second thought, I am thankful for the snow...what a picture of Him and what He does for us. The sun has come out today and the snow with the ice on top of it is absolutely brilliant with light. I can hardly bear to look at it. God, can it be that my heart is that clean? But it is!
I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (emphasis mine)
Psalm 51:7 “Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.”
(...and this, this description of "whiter than snow," this is from Psalm 51...a psalm of repentance written by the Old Testament King David, after David had had Uriah the Hittite killed so that 1.) David could have Uriah’s wife Bathsheba; and 2.) in an attempt to cover up the fact that the baby that Bathsheba was carrying was David’s, not Uriah’s. If David could be forgiven for this...is that not hope for all of us who grow weary of our sins and wonder if God can truly pardon us all of our transgressions?)
The whiter the snow, the more brilliantly the light is reflected in it. The dirty stuff piled beside the road where the snowplow went, that stuff does not gleam. But as I look out across pristine, untouched, snow covered fields, the sun on the snow is so bright that my eyes hurt. Is that not a picture of God too? Only when our hearts are clean can we reflect Him brilliantly. Thank God, He forgives.
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