...life is good...

And...life is good. 

It’s been a rough week, but life is still good.  We have had sickness making the rounds of our family.  Little guy started the festivities with strep throat, daughter brewed a lovely sinus infection, and oldest son got the stomach bug rolling (literally).  The little guy then celebrated his recovery from strep throat by topping it off with a case of what he (far too gleefully) refers to as the “puke-ups.” 

When I took my daughter to the doctor for her sinus infection, I decided to get checked too; since, along with a cold, I had been increasingly short of breath for a few days and could hardly speak without coughing.  The doctor listened to my lungs and informed me that I didn’t have much wheezing because my lungs were not moving air extremely well...I didn’t think to ask if it was bronchitis or the beginning of pneumonia, or what...but whatever it is, I have medicine now and have to say it is awesome to be able to do steps without getting short of breath.  Boys are slowly recovering, daughter is feeling better.  Hubby is hoping to get out of this without any of our germs, but I am guessing he may be in for at least one of our sicknesses before it is all said and done. 

Hubby had a recheck of his eyes from six months ago when he suffered a stroke in the right eye.  The report from the eye doctor was good.  He has not regained any of the lost vision, but the eye itself looks good for what it has been through.  The swelling is down and nothing has gotten worse.  There is still a risk of the same thing happening in the other eye, but he is controlling the factors within his control.

I began writing about depression for two reasons--the first was that it was therapeutic to get it on paper in black and white, and articulate some of the turmoil I was unable to find words for.  There is still pain that no words will ever be adequate for.  The second reason was to give hope to others who may identify with some of my experiences--there is hope, even in what seems to be utter darkness; and time and modern medicine can help a lot.  If I could offer hope to someone else, I wanted to do so.

Now I have reached a point where I am ready to bring these journalings to a close, at least for the time being.  I still struggle, and I probably always will...although I am in a much better place than I have been in the past. 

I do not want this journey to define me, or to become my life work.  Life is so much more than battling through depression.  I have my struggles, but so do we all.  It colors my life and becomes the prism through which I see all aspects of life.  But the colors of life, to me, have been made more beautiful by this prism of pain.  As I have said before, can we ever fully appreciate the sunlight when we have not known the depths of darkness?  While anxiety and depression can make the normal things of life take great effort, it also gives an appreciation for each new day and each accomplishment that I have striven for. 

“Life is pain, Highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something.” 
    --Cary Elwes, as Westley in the Princess Bride

Life is pain, but it is also full of joy.  Life for me is being a wife, a mom, a productive member of organizations in my community, and a host of other things.  Depression has changed my life, but ultimately has made of me a stronger person.  I strive to do the best I can, and to suffer trials with the “valorous patience” as described in Amy Carmichael’s book.  That is the best I can do; and He who knows my mind and heart knows my strengths and my weaknesses too.  He “remembers that I am dust,” and when I need Him, He is always there.  He has never failed me yet.

I am very grateful to all the people who have encouraged me along the way.  I would love to recognize all of you who have offered kind words and encouragement, but I will not do that publicly on this forum.  Some of you who have followed this blog have shared your struggles with me in confidence, and I want to respect that.  Please know I am honored that you trusted me with your pain.  Some of you have not known the pain I described here, but still assured me of your love and support.  That too meant so very much.  I am blessed with wonderful family and friends and I am so thankful.

-princess brier rose

postscript...
 I love music and throughout my blog I have added links to songs that spoke to my heart through the pain and brought me joy.  Below is one last link, to the song "Wonderful Story of Love."  Simple and acapella, one of my favorite forms of music.  My story is most of all, not my story, but part of the wonderful story of His love for me.  If you take nothing else away from this story, I hope you heard that part.  

...God be with you till we meet again...

-rh

Wonderful Story of Love 

...some thoughts on autism...

I have been reading various resources on autism/Aspergers Syndrome to educate myself on the diagnosis, learn effective techniques in handling my little guy’s problem behaviors, and to find out what groundwork I can lay now that will help him out later as he moves into his teenage and adult years.  One of the most helpful authors I have found so far has been Dr. Temple Grandin.  (See link to her website at the end of this post.)

Dr. Grandin has autism but has been able to learn to function in the neurotypical world.  She has excelled in her chosen field as an animal behavior specialist.  She also has devoted much time and energy to educating herself and the rest of the world about autism.  In her books, she shares her experiences with autism from childhood on.  Because she has an inside perspective, she can offer very helpful information--both to understand autism and also the techniques used that made her the successful adult she is today even with tremendous challenges in her life.  She is in her 60's (born in 1947) so her books are the accumulation of years of hard work to become a functional person in society.  For those with children or other family and friends with autism, I am guessing you have heard of her--but if not, I would highly, highly recommend her books.

As I read her books and she describes the way the autistic mind works (it is a spectrum, so there are many differences in people who may each fall on the spectrum) I have noted that, while I am not positive I would fall on the spectrum were I to be tested (and if so I would most definitely be an "Aspie" --the higher functioning person with what used to be diagnosed as Aspergers rather than classic autism) I see many similarities to the way my mind works and her description of the workings of an autistic mind, particularly those who are visual thinkers.  (Interestingly enough, she also notes that visual thinkers on the spectrum tend to be very good at drawing--my absolute favorite pastime as a child, sometimes almost to the point of an obsession--and visual thinkers also tend to be prone to crippling anxiety and depression.)

The most recent book I read was Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Dr. Grandin and Sean Barron.  Sean Barron has autism but has overcome many difficulties of his autism to function successfully as an adult in society, working as a journalist.  This book has information for neurotypicals who have interactions and/or caregiving responsibility as a window into how those with autism see social situations, and also could be helpful as a guideline to help those with autism or Aspergers sort out social interactions.  Neurotypical people tend to learn these things quickly and somewhat by instinct--the autistic brain has varying degrees of "short-circuitry" when it comes to the wiring that allows one to easily and instinctively act and interact socially.  It is an (often difficult and painful) learned process for those with autism, and even when it is learned, takes far more effort than for neurotypicals because it never becomes "second nature."

In Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, both authors describe the process they each use to decode and act appropriately in social situations, and what it took to get them to the functional point that they are at now.  And, reading over how these two autistic people view social interactions, I saw that again, the way my mind worked had much in common with what the authors were describing as the autistic way of processing social situations; and also that the process I used to become more fluent in handling these social interactions was similar to techniques the authors described as being helpful to them to interact and fit in socially (techniques such as observing how others acted and copying that, or viewing social interactions as a play in which I have a part, etc.).  I was labeled "quiet and shy" as a child, and while i have overcome that to a degree, social situations often cause me a great deal of anxiety, even if I have been in the situation many times before and seem to be enjoying myself.

Autism can be a disability, but it can also be a gift.  Dr. Grandin describes herself as very clumsy and uncoordinated, but has a wonderful gift for visualization and drawing which has given her the ability to visualize projects (such as cattle facilities that she designs).  She shares in her books that she has had brain scans that show that the part of her brain responsible for physical coordination is about 20% smaller than that of most people, but the visual pathways are far more connected than in the typical brain.  Were she to have a "normal" brain, there likely would not be the "wiring" that allows her to have the gifts that she has.  I watched an interview with Dr. Grandin in which the interviewer asked her if, in light of the new research being done in the field, and the work toward a "cure" for autism, if she would like to be "cured."  I loved her answer--the gist of which was that, for those with severe disabilities who are not able to live independently, of course it would be wonderful if they could be helped to be able to become independent and productive members of society.  But she "likes the way she thinks," and that she would not want her brain to be made up differently.  She also made the comment that if we were all neurotypicals, the world would be boring.  (One of my extended family members, in seeking treatment for depression, was told by the doctor that in his dealings with people in his practice, he often found people who were prone to depression much more bright and interesting than those who were not.)

I would have to say I agree with Dr. Grandin‘s answer.  If I am an Aspie, or with many of those tendencies, it would be nice for some things in life to come easier.  We are social beings, and cannot get along in our lives without interacting with others.  So to have anxiety in social situations, and to be at times misunderstood because you are slower on the uptake at things others do automatically and easily, certainly makes life difficult at times.  But I like a lot of things about the way my brain works.  (I still love to draw, though it seems a bit of a frivolous pastime at this point in my life, since nobody pays me to do it.)  :)  I know I have other gifts too--who knows what I would lose if I were to be "cured."  I wouldn't want a different brain either.

And for my little guy, I can already see the beginnings of some serious talent in various areas.  For example, he drew a very detailed Olaf snowman in art class, from memory, with no picture to guide him.  It was a very recognizable Olaf.  (Olaf is from the movie Frozen, which i am convinced is way over-hyped, but his Olaf drawing was awesome.)  I have never beat him at a memory game (the game where you take turns flipping cards over, two by two, to find the matching pairs).  I know kids tend to be better at this game than adults, but his ability goes beyond any kid I have ever played memory with.  I don't know how to test if someone has a photographic memory, but sometimes I would like to know if he does.  He remembers amazing visual details.  I sometimes ache for him when I see him struggling, and ultimately I want him to have the ability to be independent and to be able to add his contributions as a productive member of society; but if a "cure" came with the price of taking away the gifts he has, I wouldn't do it.  God made him this way for a reason.  We are all so unique, and fearfully and wonderfully made.


Dr. Temple Grandin's website