...faith is a choice...

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  For by it the elders obtained a good report.  Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear....But without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.”

Hebrews 11:1-3, 6


Faith is a choice.  No matter what the circumstances around me, no matter how anxiety attacks or panic will insist on messing with me, I can choose to trust.

There will always be things in this world that, because I am a finite being, i cannot see, know, and experience for myself.  I have to take someone’s word for it.  From the things that i have seen, i am convinced that the view of the world that makes the most logical sense comes through the word of God.  And the only view of the world that gives an unshakable hope of redemption--a hope that is built on solid rock, not the shaky foundation of humanity--comes through the blood of Christ.  We need a Savior; and, thank God, in Christ we have One.

It is one of those times when i am wrestling with the fine line between disobedience and disability.

My youngest son and his actions brought up the question in my mind.  I am adjusting to a new mindset, trying to be understanding of what he is able to bring under control and what he is not.  And...more often...trying to figure out if he is being naughty or if the problem behavior is part of his disability.  Just because he has autism does not mean he does not possess a human nature.  He has a sweetness and innocence typical of a child a few years younger than himself; but, like any other child, he also has the capacity for disobedience.  So I do the best I can to balance understanding with discipline.  Both are needed.

If anything, it is harder to do this, to find this balance, for myself.

Where is the line in the sand, where the gripping terror of a panic attack turns into the sin of giving in to fear?  Where the anxiety attack, which comes out of the blue, turns into the sin of giving in to worry?  When do I need to look inside to see if i am sinning; and when do i allow myself grace to not feel guilty over something beyond my control?  ...knowing that i am doing the best i can to be courageous and that He who made me knows my mind and heart. 

A few months ago, I wrote a post called “Thank God, He lives.“  One of the thoughts in there, rings true here, too.

“[It is a battle with an] unseen foe--because, of course, no one but me...[and God]...can see or know the fears that lay in wait for a time when I am weak.  Those battles are fought within...

...There is glory and honor in fighting battles we can see.  No one applauds, no one understands, when you fight the unseen demons simply to get another supper cooked, to finish washing another basket of clothes.” 


...thank God He lives...and a thank you note...
 
But He sees and knows.  Sometimes I realize that I am telling God, “I am sorry, so very sorry,” over something that I truly had no control over.  Some bit of this illness that was just that--part of the illness.  If someone breaks an ankle, is it imperative that they confess and repent of the pain of the broken bone?  Do we say “only this much pain relief, and no more?”  Do we ask such a one to pull himself up by his own bootstraps while keeping the broken ankle straight?  I think not.  Pain relief is given to ease the stress pain inflicts on the body, in order for it to relax and heal.  So, too, in the pain of a mental illness, there is a time to use appropriate medications and therapy techniques; and to give grace and kindness rather than judgment to ourselves.

It’s been two years, now, since this all started.  I am so grateful to be where I am.  I can smile; I can laugh; I can take care of my family.  My kids tell me they would rather have me than anybody else for a mom; my husband loves me very much and he too is glad to have his wife back from the unreachable place where i had been.

Some of the effects linger.  I still do battle with jitters and anxiety on a fairly regular basis; and at times, panic attacks.  For that reason, I have not been able to be completely free of the need for meds; although I have been able to cut back quite a bit.  I still have a point where, suddenly, I am done.  Whether it be in a crowd, within a setting of noisy children, or simply weariness, there are times when I suddenly need to leave to avoid the onset of a panic attack.  Sometimes depression still rears its ugly head; and at those times, speech and other interaction with people is difficult.  At those times, i often do only what is absolutely necessary; and my best just has to be good enough...because that is all i have to offer.

So, as before, I will choose to trust Him.  I will choose to be of good courage, and allow myself grace for the times when i cannot will an illness away.  The fact that I still do battle with this--though largely an unseen battle--is not evidence that He is not with me.  Rather, the fact that I am really pretty functional--on most days i am able to care for my family instead of needing them to care for me--is evidence that His grace is sufficient for my every need, that His mercies are new every morning.
 
The end of Hebrews 11 tells of those who did great things here on earth, through faith in God; but the writer also tells of those who were faithful through great trials and tribulations, though they never saw the fruition of their hopes here on earth, “that they might obtain a better resurrection.” 

What a wonderful thought--just because we don’t see it all here, and don’t understand it all here, does not mean He is not here.  No matter the circumstances, He is always at work.  Though our faith may falter at times, He is always faithful.  When we choose to trust Him; He will hold us, and carry us through.