My words are back; I can write again. The washer is running, the last of the coffee in the bottom of my cup is cooling rapidly. My house is so quiet. The most constant thing in the world seems to be change.
I did not think I would be sad to send them all to school. And I can see it is a good thing. A few bumps in the road, especially for my baby who is struggling with some issues common to autistic kiddos. But nothing out of the ordinary or that i did not expect. Now I am left with quiet days.
I have found plenty to do. In fact, I am probably just as busy as I was while I had them here at home--or even more so. I still feel like I am being lazy if I am not working at something nearly all the time. I know that is not the case--I get up an hour before the rest of them to get lunches packed, breakfast on the table, and to get everybody organized so that they can all get out the door in time. My house is cleaner than it has been in a long time--maybe cleaner than it’s ever been for weeks at a time. Because I am the one at home, if there are errands to be run, it mostly falls on me to do them. This thing of being a stay-at-home mother with all my children in school has not, so far, turned out to be one long vacation. But in spite of the fact that I have had no trouble staying busy, I hear the quietness echoing in my ears.
“Well, Lord, I guess it’s just You and me now.“ It was the first day that I had sent everyone off to school and work, and I was on the road driving on one of the numerous errands that had to be done that day. It was quiet, and He and I had a lot of catching up to do. I realized how much noise had been around me daily, and how my conversations with Him were usually pretty brief and to the point. That was how it had to be at that stage of life...but now a new stage is here, whether I am ready for it or not.
And I am left alone with my thoughts. And prayers. I am not lonely...but here we are with quietness.
“...and lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.” Matthew 28:20
I know He will not leave me. Sometimes I wonder if all moms feel this way...such mixed emotions. There is this sense of accomplishment for having raised my children thus far--I am proud of the good reports that I get from school, and proud of my children for making right decisions and also just for being their sweet delightful selves. They are a blessing. But I also miss them quite a bit. I am enjoying having my hubby to myself on the days when he has off work during the week when the kids are in school. He said to me once that, while he loves his children, he misses his wife. Maybe after a while, the newness of days together with kids in school will wear off. But for now, we are enjoying our times together. Nothing earth-shattering--mostly just working at things around home that need done. Part of me feels like I barely know him anymore...but maybe it is more that i hardly know me anymore. I am sure I will find me, somewhere...I feel sort of adrift, although I often seem to come to rest on the laundry, gardening, cleaning, and similar chores no matter how much I want to drift away from them.
And I am enjoying the quietness although it echoes. I feel a bit like a clock that has been wound too tightly for too long--it seems to be taking a while for my springs to reset themselves. I know this, too, is a good stage of life. Or will be, once I adjust. I am grieving a bit for the babies that are forever grown out of their sweet baby stages...but how I love these children that my babies have grown into.
As with every other part of life, I am glad I am not walking this alone. He is here; He is faithful. Some days I find myself in dark places in spite of the bright fall sunshine--changes, no matter how good they are in the long run, have a way of putting me in darkness for a time. Nothing that I would not expect, given the ups and downs of the past few years. And He leads me through this too.
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