A sweet letter written to me by my dear friend Anne, which I am posting here with her kind permission.
My dear Rose;
Kindred spirit... I feel the need to write something... in hopes to confess! Usually, when one things of confessing, one's mind goes to the ubiquitous confessional box and confessing to a priest (or other person of God or the cloth) one's sins, then being judged, given tasks to remedy the sin, or words of prayer and sent on one's way in hopes of conquering some hidden sin or being absolved of the sin, yet not quite knowing how to get to the root of said sin. However, I believe there is another kind of confession. For instance:
con·fess [kuhn-fes]
verb (used with object)
1.
to acknowledge or avow (a fault, crime, misdeed, weakness, etc.) by way of revelation.
2.
to own or admit as true: I must confess that I haven't read the book.
3.
to declare or acknowledge (one's sins), especially to God or a priest in order to obtain absolution.
4.
(of a priest) to hear the confession of (a person).
5.
to acknowledge one's belief or faith in; declare adherence to.
Special attention to number 5 stated above: "To acknowledge one's belief or faith in; declare adherence to." My point is this: Why am I not confessing more of what God has done for me? For instance, I am sick of being in such a cold climate, another blizzard (we've had one every day), cold, snow, wind, day after day and pain with it all blows right through the metal in me. But tonight... ahhh tonight, my husband and son are making pizza, the wood stove has a lovely fire in the box, the girls are having delightful little girl/sister secrets and rainbow looming after a day of school, and Deano... Dean Martin is serenading us with his magical voice. I've felt like I've been exiled for the last several years, but even so, God has blessed us. The kids are doing so well at their school and we all enjoy it so. It makes me feel like I've gotten one more piece of my old happy life back - a life that I thought the enemy had shattered for good. But nothing could not destroy what God had planned ["no weapon formed against us shall prosper]. God had a plan for us; plans of hope and a future, not pain [Jer29:11]
I feel so happy I'm nearly ashamed; so full of hope that I feel foolish.... and I wonder at my Savior who came Himself to get this prodigal, and I know I have done nothing to deserve this Great Love. I am tempted from time to time, however, to feel guilty over how happy I am. I was in such pain from my own sin and from the sin that someone I loved so very dearly brought into our lives...I lived with such a dark and dying soul... he scared me; he scared us. But God protected me and He used everything that I had gone through prior to that time to help me stay safe and keep the kids safe. It’s truly a miracle... God wastes nothing. Nothing in our lives, good or bad, is wasted once given to God. If we give it to Him, and then wow... we're given a robe of Righteousness, a feast... as I look at my feast - which is abundant in wholesome, down home, simple love, I am puzzled how I got here. The last many years had been so horrible... what happened? And yes, its still cold outside, snow is still falling, skies still grey, but there is somehow an opened heaven over our little log cabin. Peace. Peace that passeth all understanding. 9:11]. The season of my deep pain I feel is coming to an end.
All of this makes me think back to the time when I had finished radiological technician school. It was grueling and the wonderful Christian chiropractor I was working for paid for it as well. All of my religious training told me "You'd better do perfectly well, otherwise this good God-fearing man will have wasted his hard-earned money on you. Don't screw this up! " I went through the course, passed the test and came back to work with all kinds of facts and measurements in my head but still wondering how to do my job as a rad. tech. perfectly. I couldn't possibly remember all of that information and found my mind going blank. I was stressed to say the least. Stressed with worry because despite the fact that I passed the test in school, would I pass the test at work. And then I walked back into the office...
Every morning at the office we started off in prayer; inviting the Lord into our day, asking His blessing on us to do His work for everyone that came into our office. But immediately after our prayer time on that day that I was back, Dr. looked at me and said "OK; forget everything you learned in school and let me show you how our system works. " I was extremely relieved. Not because the school was worthless, by any means, but because the X-Ray machine that they had at the school was an entirely different set up than what we had. Dr. was able to explain how simple his X-Ray machine was to use. It really was. We still used calipers, and things still had to be calibrated and monitored, but it was so much simpler than I realized. Before I saw it at this unattainable task that I could never achieve because I understood radiological physics to a degree, but a very small one. I felt so helpless and dumb compared to it all... And yet, it was so simple, once the task of understanding it all was gone. I didn't have to understand it completely; in fact, no one does completely understand any scientific fact or part of our universe completely, we just are able to see a "window" if you will into certain areas, and this brings awareness, but also more questions. This was so much like growing up in church for me; do this, don't do that, say this, pray this, but don't ever pray that; read this, study this... the list goes on and on... But when He came to me; when Jesus came to me, I didn't have to completely understand, I just needed to follow. But sometimes some of the old teaching comes into play, and I have had the very sad revelation that not everything I was taught in church showed the true nature and character of God. I was often showed a stern God, and through living with much pain I figured I was doing something wrong, because I was taught a judging God. But, as I have devotions with my children in the mornings and we read the Gospel of John I realized the words of Jesus "Even the Father judges no one, for He has given all judgment (the last judgment and the whole business of judging) entirely into the hands of the Son, So that all men may give honor to the Son just as they give honor to the Father, Who has sent Him." 5:21-22 [Amplified]
So... the question is this: If the Father didn't judge me, and Jesus judged me, and died for my sins.... why am I still judging me? Well, perhaps I need to forget a lot of what I was taught by religion and start learning from the Master. Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit, Whom Jesus sent after Him. And if He's saying that I am cleansed by Jesus' Blood, white as snow... who am I to judge and condemn myself for loving someone who was broken? Who am I to judge myself? Does the clay give commands to the potter? Does the earth rule the heavens? No! So, the next question is: if I see all of this foolishness, why don't I stop partnering with that and instead start partnering with my promises in Christ?!?
Perhaps more on this later...
much love my dear friend,
Anne
reply from Rose to Anne:
My dear Anne,
Oh, thank you. i needed this reminder, this morning. And seeing you write this, I can see the healing beginning. You are so, so right. I love the illustration of the chiropractor. The task of understanding it all is gone. ("I don't have to understand it all to recognize when He is there...") It reminds me of what Katy's mother says in Stepping Heavenward, when she tells Katy that she needs to "learn Christ, on your knees." All of what we know in our head, learn in doctrine and theory, is not useless, but will never take the place of what we learn when we sit at His feet. ("Mary hath chosen that good part, and it shall not be taken away from her.") He will heal you as you learn Christ and sit at His feet. I am sure of that. Anyway, kiddos are awake, must go. love you!
-rose
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